Here we have a thirty-something female returning home from the rare, wild night out. Single, and intoxicated.

I can’t believe I finally got it right — Well, we’ve reached the end. The bottom of the metaphorical peanut butter jar. It’s been quite a journey. I shared awful dates with you: the mortification they brought me, the lack of second dates they got me, the eventual lessons they taught me. Then I shared the good dates: the…

Turns out I REALLY fell for dick pics… — Trigger warning: If you have become bitter and jaded from dating (totally understandable), this column may cause you to have a reaction similar to vomiting. I take no responsibility for your keyboard or your clothes. If you choose to read on, know that this will get mushy. You’ve been warned. …

Thesis: It’s not me, it’s you. — Faithful readers, we’ve nearly reached the end of the story! The man I gave up peanut butter for will be revealed to you oh so soon. (If you’re joining us for the first time, click here to start from the beginning!) When we last parted, Carter had gotten clingy and…

But if you cry sometimes, you might find… You still want the same thing. — We’re down to the finals. It’s Carter vs. Dex. Hot Neighbor vs. Dick Pic Guy. Good on Paper vs. Recently Separated. Who will emerge the legume intolerant victor of my heart? Only one way to find out… Carter and I had our next date at his house again. Did I…

“I’m just not as into puns as you are.” Wait, what? — Last column, it was revealed that Brooks (my childhood dreamboat and longtime family friend), was not the man I ended up with. Yeah, we’re getting somewhere now. Thinning the herd, so to speak. …

And when his mom likes YOU but HE doesn’t. — To catch up on all things Love vs. Peanut Butter, you can start with my first date with Aiden, first date with Brooks, and my second dates with both are conveniently located in one salacious entry for your viewing pleasure. Or you can just dive right in and wing it…

Our thirty-something female arrives unaccompanied and “fashionably late,” which is what humans call being tardy on purpose. She likely delayed her entrance so as not to have her time bogarted by some lonesome, early-arriving partygoer who lacks the ability to read social cues. She is dressed as a tourist, as…

Wondering who Hot Neighbor and Dick Pic Dude are? See below for some handy recaps and links to the full stories if you need to catch up! If you’re all caught up, thank you for reading every week! You’ll get your reward in heaven. (That’s what my grandpa always said…